When a hunter has daughters

This weekend Scott had some things to get done on his deer stands before hunting season starts. We went out to the country, hopped on the four wheelers and headed to the woods. We're riding around putting out corn, checking for signs of deer, etc. As we're driving Aubrey starts talking about hunting.

 

Aubrey: "Daddy, I'm going to hunt this year and I need a gun like you."

Scott: "You are? You want to go deer hunting with me this year?"

Aubrey: "No, I don't want to hunt deer."

Scott: "Well, then what do you want to hunt? Turkey? Duck?"

Aubrey: "No, I want to hunt alligators, sharks and snakes."

Scott: "Really? Is that all?"

Aubrey: "Mmmm. Maybe some lions and tigers, too."

At this point Scott is getting pretty excited that his daughter wants to take on these big, bad animals. I think his chest was puffed out a little bit more than usual.

Our next stop was Scott's new deer stand where he needed to install the windows.  We pull up to his new deer stand and Grace says:

"Daddy, your new deer stand is sooooo pretty. I love the way you decorated it."

Well, at least there's hope for one of them.

Screw Hunger Games, We Have Pooping Games

As any mother knows, there is no such thing as private time. I rarely get a chance to go to the bathroom by myself.  And let's be honest, I'm usually doing it with a child on my lap.

Well last week I was home with Aubrey and I had to go to the bathroom. Aubrey decided she wanted to play a game while I was going to the bathroom. She would open the door and roar and I would shriek like I was scared. Aubrey would then close the door and the game would start over.  She thought this was hysterical and this went on for the duration.

Once I was done, I decided to play a trick on Aubrey. When she closed the door, I got up and hid behind the door. Aubrey opens the door and:

Aubrey: "Rooaaarrrr!......Mommy? Mommy!"

She runs over to the potty and looks in.

Aubrey: "Mommy, did you fall in? Are you in there, Mommy?"

Me: "Boo!!!"

Aubrey: "Mommy, you scared me. I thought you fell in the potty."

I'll just report myself to DHS

Well, it turns out history does repeat itself. When I was little, I was BAD! Imagine that, right? Anyway, one day I was in the grocery store with my mom, being a brat, and she had enough. She spanked me in the store and two little old ladies "Tsk, tsk" my mom for spanking my sweet, adorable, very much needed, ass.  Fast forward 33 years and now I'm the mom.

Last night I pick the girls up from school and took them with me to the grocery store, as usual. Grace started giving me a hard time in the car over a skunk. Yes, a skunk. I had no idea what to call the stuff they sprayed and/or who they spray when threatened. I told her to ask Daddy when we got home and the rest of the way all I heard was I didn't know anything and Daddy knows everything. Even though that got old, I couldn't really argue when it's over a skunk.

In the grocery store, Grace kept this up. She would ask me something I would give her an answer. Then she would tell me I was mistaken and that she was going to ask Daddy when we got home because he would know.

Finally, we're on the last aisle and Grace asks for something. I told her no, she gets out of the car buggy and spanks me on the butt. That was it, I had enough. I caught her by the arm, put my knee up, put her over my knee and spanked her little bottom. Told her to get back in the car and not to say another word.

Then Aubrey chimes in. "Mommy, don't do that to Grace. You scared me."

Before I can even answer the lady behind me pipes in with "Well, that scared me, too. It's not nice to give spankings."

There were a million things flying around my head to say to that lady. The only thing I could come up with that I figured would shut her up and make her butt out was:

"Here, I am happy to let you use my phone if you would like to report me to DHS."

And I got the reaction I was looking for:

     1) from the lady-Total State of Shock

     2) from Grace- not another problem from her for the rest of the night.

Stranded at Peter Pan

This weekend we went to NOLA to visit the family. Saturday evening my cousin's 7 year old was a lost boy in Peter Pan. Grace really wanted to go, but Mommy was too tired from staying out late the night before (Mother of the Year). My cousin said that she could go with them and she would bring Grace home after the play. Perfect!

They get home from the play and we hear all about Kora's make-up, Capt. Hook, the crocodile, etc. To say the least, I had one very excited 4 year old. She runs in the other room to play and then we hear the REAL story from my cousin.

1.  Grace knew that Capt. Hook and the crocodile were real. She didn't like them one bit.

2. Wendy's make-up was beautiful, but Kora's was ugly. It was just dirt.

3. Grace wanted to know why she couldn't get on stage and fly like Peter Pan and Wendy.

4. As soon as Kora came on stage, Grace (while standing and waving her arms like she's flagging down a rescue plane):

"Kora! KORA! KOORRRAAAA!!!!  It's Grace, your cousin! I'm right here, KORA!"

 

Safe to say, my child successfully managed to upstage the entire cast of Peter Pan.

 

 

Follow up to the Target escalator incident

The other day a friend of mine, whose parenting style is right up there with mine posts this on FB:

Taking a poll for anyone who has ever been to Target on Vets: Yes or No, is it ok leave ur child in the basket while it goes up that thing and you are on the escalator?

 

As you can imagine there were a ton of no's and there's even a sign that tells you that, etc. However, there were a few that shares our sense of humor and those comments were:

 

1. As long as they are buckled.

 

 

2. I tried to send him up, but my wife flipped out.

 

3. We need to set that up on the tv show What Would You Do?

 

4. Hell yes! It's a free amusement ride!

 



If it comes with a warning sign; it's probably FUN!

For those of you who have never been to the Target in Metairie or another two story Target, they have an escalator for shopping carts. This allows you to change levels while keeping everything in the basket. Well, maybe not everything.

 

One day in NOLA, my mom and I went on a Target run with Grace. I was about 7 months pregnant which would make Grace roughly 17 months at the time, so of course she was in the shopping cart seat.  I probably even had it covered which, let's be honest, I don't think ever happened with Aubrey. After we finish with the 1st floor, we head to the second floor. Mom and I are in full conversation and not paying a bit of attention as we get on the escalator with Grace still in the shopping cart...of course. I have no idea who caught it; it may have been mom, me, a screaming Grace or another customer who was actually paying attention. We got her out before she went up the escalator, but it was a close call. Which is probably the reason for the sign. So here we go again, with yours truly as the Mother of the Year.

 

 

 

 



I was bred to be the Mother of the Year

After reading some of my stories, it made me realize I was bred to be the Mother of the Year since I was young. A little background on how it all started; my father was born and raised in Magee, MS in a typical Southern Baptist household. He moved to New Orleans where he met and married my Yankee mother and raised my brother and me there.

One weekend when I was about 3-4 years old, we were at my grandparents house in Magee watching the Saints game. Remember this is circa 1979-80 and the Saints SUCKED! The entire game my father is saying things like "Shoot!", "Come on, Saints!", etc.  He was doing his best not curse and raise all kinds of hell. I guess it was starting to get bad; I took notice and tried to help.

Me: "Dad, do you want me to get you a God damn beer out of the fridge to make you feel better?"

At this point I'm pretty sure my grandmother hit the floor.

Best quote...EVER!

Sunday my neighbor came over to meet my gay husband, Aaron, who was in town for a long weekend. For those of you who know him, you know drinking is always in store. For those of you who don't know him, non-stop drinking is always in store.

We're at the house watching the Saints game (Who Dat!), when Scott asks our daughter to grab him and Mr. Aaron a beer. Grace brought Aaron a beer and Scott a water. All of the adults were a little confused by this. So Scott tells Grace that he wanted a beer not a bottle of water. Grace goes back into the kitchen and returns with a beer this time.

A minute later Aubrey comes into the room and goes over to Scott. She looks at the table where his beer and the bottle of water are sitting; she picks up the bottle of water, looks at Scott with a confused look on her face and asks "What's this?"

Now, do I have well trained children or what? Beat that keg stand baby dad!

Outsmarted by a 4 year old

The other weekend we took the girls to Muscadine Jubilee, a festival in Pelahatchie where my husband grew up. Bands play throughout the day, but they allow local kids to sing while the next band sets up. While one band was setting up a girl about 10 years old was the entertainment. Grace Morgan saw that little girl singing and it took everything she had not to snatch that microphone out of her hand and take over. She said next year that she was going to be up there.

A couple of days later we were driving to school and Grace started telling knock-knock jokes. Let me explain that her jokes aren't really jokes. She just uses it to get whoever's attention to say what she wants.

Grace: "Knock-knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Grace: "Gracie really wants to sing on stage at Muscadine."

Me: "Ok, baby. We'll see what we can do."

Grace: "Knock-knock."

Me: "Who's there?"

Grace: "Gracie really wants to ride a horse."

Me: "What if you could only choose one thing; singing at Muscadine or riding a horse? Which one would it be?"

Grace: "Knock-knock"

Me: "Who's there?

Grace: "Grace really wants to ride a horse on stage while singing at Muscadine!"

Keg Stand Baby

I'm sure most of you have seen this picture/story, if not here you go. I was told about this story from many people the day it hit the news I think for 2 reasons:

     1) They deserve my coveted Parent of the Year Award.
     2) I went to ASU.

The first thing I did was go online to check it out and found a picture that had a close up of the nozzle where it's apparent this baby was not actually drinking. With the father obviously laughing, people looking on smiling and taking pictures this all points to a joke.  Is this funny? I think so. Was it the wrong place and time? Yes. Had this been in the backyard with only family and friends, that understand it was a joke. It would have been more appropriate and we would have never heard about it.

The other thing that was mentioned in several stories was:
    
     "Why did they even bring their kids tailgating? This is inapporiate."

Apparently, none of these people have ever been to The Grove at Ole Miss.

                (Kids playing football at The Grove)


Tailgating is what you make of it, just like Mardi Gras. There are areas that are family friendly without keg stands or women flashing their boobs. Growing up we loved tailgating. All the kids played football with our friends, it was exciting and FUN! Like Mardi Gras, I bring my children every year. We don't go to Bourbon St. We go to St. Charles Ave with a million other families. Where the kids catch beads, stuffed animals, frisbees, and all kinds of other crap they love and I slowly throw out during the year.

      (Families at Mardi Gras. Not a pair of boobs in sight.)

One of the things I say in the About section of my blog is that this is to make you feel better about your parenting skills. The stories I tell are true, on occasion embellished, but usually not. Yes, I drink. Yes, I bring a coffee mug with wine in it to places in the evening that do not serve alcohol because Jackson does not serve alcohol everywhere like most other cities. This is no different than me having a glass of wine with dinner. I do not drive anywhere near the legal limit without my children in the car, so I certainly don't do it with them in the car. Just like I bring my children tailgating and to Mardi Gras. We are their parents. It is our choice. If that does not work for your family or you don't like it; that is fine. If you think my stories are inappropriate, don't read them. I do not pretend to be the perfect parent, because I'm not and no one is.  I know who I am. I am not perfect. I am very aware of my strenghts and weaknesses and own them 200%. I use humor in my parenting style and hopefully my blog and posts make you feel better as a parent because that is it's sole purpose...to entertain.  For those who do find my stories funny, you will probably find this funny, too:

If not, then I believe the Baby Center blog is more your style and I hope you enjoy it.