Wonder Woman Moves for Wine

Friday night we were hanging out at my neighbor's house. This is a win-win for me. Her kids are 10 and 13 while mine are 2 and 4. My girls absolutely adore her 10 year old daughter and she loves to "babysit." So the kids are all taken care of while the grown ups can sit around, talk and drink (told you it was a win-win.)  If this is not the first time you've read my stories, you are well aware that my kids are trained to get beers out of the fridge. They are not allowed to get me wine yet, because they are still too little for that. Right now we're mastering pouring milk without spilling, so we're only on step 2. Wine is down the road a bit.

While we're sitting there drinking her 13 year old son comes through the living room, heading towards the kitchen and I ask him to pour me another glass of wine. She leaps off the couch, grabs my glass, and says "That's ok, I'll get it." Her moves were quite impressive. If she had a cape and a crown, she could have beat Wonder Woman's ass; wrist bands or no wrist bands. At this point I am in a total state of confusion. She comes back with my wine and sits down. I am looking at her like she's from Mars. And here we go:

Me: "What was that all about?"

Her: "What?"

Me: "Your Wonder Woman moves."

Her: "Wonder Woman moves?"

Me: "When I asked him to get me a glass of wine."

Her: "I've never asked my kids to get me a beer or pour me a glass of wine."

Me (look of TOTAL astonishment): "Seriously?!!?"

Her: "Mmm-hmm."

Me: "Isn't that why you had kids?"

Obviously, that is not the only reason you have kids, but it's definitely a perk. I just couldn't get over the fact that at 10 and 13 they have never gotten a beer or poured a glass of wine.  I think my grandfather taught me the art of pouring beer from a keg at age 4 or 5. All I know is her kids will need to do some serious training before they go off to college.

Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's manipulation

I am convinced that girls are born manipulaters and master these skills throughout their life. Now let's understand I'm not saying they do this to be mean or hurtful (well, most of them anyway.) They do this to get what they want, when they want it.

Right now we are in the process of potty training Aubrey. Yesterday was the first day we took her out only in her panties. We went potty before we left the house. Then we went to my husband's bank to meet him. I asked if she had to go again, she said no. We left and went to eat. I took her to the potty right after we ordered. We ate lunch and I took her again before we left. (Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in the potty yesterday.) Then we went to run 2 errands before going back to get my car at the bank. We get to the bank and I ask her if she needs to go potty. She says no. So we say good-bye to my husband in the parking lot and I start to load Aubrey up in my car. At this point she says "Mommy, I need go potty." I am so excited because this is the first time she has said it without me asking her. I get her out of the car and we walk into the bank. I go left to the bathroom and she goes right. I call her and tell her the potty is this way. She is not paying any attention to me. She is making a bee line to the jar of lollipops. She grabs 2 lollipops; 1 for her and 1 for Grace (yeah, right!)

Aubrey with lollipops in tow, we head to the bathroom. I get her in there and she says "Mommy, I not go potty. I just open this."

And the score at the end of the day is:

     Mommy

 

 

 

Aubrey

 

 

                                          

 

Road Rage at 2 yrs. old

I'm pretty sure Aubrey is going to grow up to be a NYC taxi cab driver. At only 2 she has to be the most impatient backseat/carseat driver ever. If we are stopped at a red light she'll say "Gooooo, Mama!"  I explained to her that I can't go because the light is red and I have to wait for it to turn green. Now as soon as the light turns green she'll yell "Mama, it's green! Go! Go! Goooooo!" She gets this out of her mouth faster than a NYC taxi cab driver can blow his horn. It's absolutely amazing!

Her new pet peave is being stuck behind a car that is going slow. She sits up in her car seat, looking around the front seat to see what's holding us up.  When she figures out it's a car in front of us she'll yell "Come on, buddy! Get out of the way!" or "Let's go people!"  When we finally get moving she'll sigh "Well, it's about time!"  I guess I should be glad she hasn't started cursing them yet.

Busted by a 4 year old

Friday night we have a 5 year old birthday party at one of my kids' favorite places; Pump It Up. It's Friday night at 6pm, so there's no way in the world I'm not bringing a cocktail. I pour my wine in my coffee mug, load up the girls and head to Pump It Up. Of course the parents that know me realize pretty quickly what's in my mug (especially since I don't drink coffee). A few of them sneak a couple of sips and I'm sure will have a coffee mug in tow next time they have a Friday night birthday party. Since I don't know all of the parents there I'm trying to keep my wine mug quiet. I would hate to have these parents rush their child out of the birthday party because of the NOLA Whiskeypalian and her wine/coffee mug.

We finish the jumping part of the party and we have now all moved into the room for pizza, cake and presents. Everyone eats and the present opening begins. The kids are all in front watching the birthday girl open presnets and the parents are in the back chatting. A little while into the present opening, my 4 year old comes over and tries to take a sip out of my mug.

Me (grabbing the mug): "You can't have that."

Grace: "Why not?"

Me: "Because it's not for you. It's only for Mommy."

Grace (matter of factly): "That must be wine."
Then goes and sits her little butt back down.

Fabulous! Now all of the mom's in the room who don't know me are making a mental note to never accept a play date with either of my girls. Once again, Mother of the Year keeps her title.


Sidenote: If you haven't been to Pump It Up for a birthday party; they do an UNBELIEVABLE job! During the jump time the guys played with all of the kids. They helped the little ones up the slides. One time I had to help my 2 year old and he came running over apologizing for not being there. All of the plates with pizza, napkins and drinks were set up for the kids as they came in the party room. The girl took total control of the presents (even keeping the kids sitting down) and wrote down who each gift was from. This is a stress free party for any parent which was especially helpful for this parent since she's 10 days away from having baby #2.

           This is their two story slide...so much fun!

Wine and McDonald's

Last week the "Land Mass" between Mobile and New Olreans otherwise known as Mississippi was hunkered down awaiting Hurricane Isaac. I picked up my grandparents, Matt (87) and Clare (95), and brought them to Jackson to ride out the storm. (Yes, the ages are correct. Clare was a cougar before it was cool.) All last week I was stuck at the house with my grandparents, my 2.5 yr old and 4 yr old. Seriously, there's not enough alcohol in the state to make that work.  Not to mention if you think I talk a lot, spend some time with Matt. He makes me sound like a wallflower who's too shy to say anything.

Four days inside the house because all it did was rain, was making everyone stir crazy. On day four, I get a call from one of Grace's besties mom's.

Kim: "We're around the corner at McDonald's indoor playground. We couldn't take it anymore and had to get out of the house. Y'all come over and meet us."

Me: "Girl, I've already popped a top. I'm not going anywhere that doesn't serve alcohol."

Kim: "Put it in a red solo cup and come on."

Me: "We'll see."

At this point the girls get into their 2,548th fight of the day and I decide we're out of here. I open the cabinet find a travel coffee mug and pour the wine to it.  I tell the girls to load up and we head out.

I pull into McDonald's, get the girls out of the car and grab my mug. I look over and Kim and her husband, Bo, are doubled over laughing. We walk inside and they are ASTONISHED that I brought my wine to McDonald's. 

Look, a girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do. So a big thank you to Brandon (and Vince) at Silver Leaf for keeping my wine stocked so I didn't end up in Whitfield (mental institution) or Parchman (prison) last week.

Who says I can't get out on I-20?!!?

The second day of school we start carpool in the afternoon. We both drop our kids off, but my friend Sharon is picking up. After we leave school, I realize Sharon doesn't have a car seat for Grace. I call her on her cell phone and we decide to meet at her work. We are both on the interstate and traffic comes to a screeching halt. It turns out an 18 wheeler caught on fire and they have to re-route traffic.  Sharon is patiently waiting in the right hand lane to get off the exit. I, on the other hand, come flying by her in the left lane with plans to jump in front of another car close to the exit. (Yes, I am that driver you are cursing and flipping off. You really shouldn't be surprised.) Once I have secured my spot at the front of the line (thank you silver pick up truck for texting and not paying attention), I tell Sharon to come around where she can get in front of me.  She hesitates and finally comes to the dark side. At this point we are sitting on I-20 talking and waiting for traffic to move. Then it occurs to me:

Me: "Sharon, are your doors unlocked?"

Sharon: "Ummmm, no."

Me: "Unlock your doors for me."

Sharon: "What?"

At this point I jump out of the car, get the car seat out of the back and hand it to Sharon who is now standing with her back door open just laughing and shaking her head.  Problem solved, she now has a car seat for Grace.

The answer's still NO!

This weekend the girls and I were driving back from New Orleans and Grace got hungry. I knew this was going to happen so I packed snacks and gave one to her. She decided that it wasn't enough and asked to stop at the gas station to get a snack. I told her no for two reasons 1) Aubrey was still sleeping and I wasn't going to wake her up. 2) Scott had dinner waiting on us when we got home and we were only 20 minutes away. This is the conversation after I told her no.

Grace: "You're a mean mommy!"

Me: "Uh-huh."

Grace: "I want a new mommy! One that's not so mean!"

Me: "That's fine. Start taking applications and see what you get."

Oops!

Grace had yet to roll over, but she was really trying and getting close.  I’m not sure how old she was exactly.  Yes, I know it was only 4 years ago but they do so much in a short period that it’s hard to keep track.  Besides, if you’re reading this you probably don’t remember either.  Anyway, we just sat on the couch when I realized I forgot something in the bathroom.  It was only a couple of steps away and surely she would be safe right there while I quickly ran to the bathroom and back.  I just hit the bathroom when I heard “THUMP!”  The next thing I hear is my husband yell “Melissa, what the hell was that?  That better NOT have been Grace.”  My best friend Katie said it best “At least Scott has the maternal instinct.”  He is by far the more responsible/better parent.  He really didn’t choose wisely.  This was one of those (many) times when it was hard for me not to report myself to DHS.

Grocery shopping is hell on Earth

Incident 1: We get to the produce section of the grocery store. The 1st minute we're in there Grace jumps on the side of the buggy and it falls on top of her. In the middle of her crying she says "That buggy's not nice! It fell on me!" It took everything I had not to crack up.

Since Grace is so upset, I switch the girls around and put her in the seat and Aubrey in the basket.

Incident 2: We're passing the bakery (30 seconds after we calm down from Incident 1) Aubrey stands up to see the cakes, cookies, etc while yelling "Candy! Candy! Candy!" I tell her to sit, while attempting to slowly stop the basket. Of course she loses her balance and flips out of the basket landing flat on her back. While an "Awwwe God Damn it!" flies out of my mouth in front of, no doubt, about 8 Baptists.  The breath was knocked out of her, but she was fine other than scary the be-Jesus out of both us. At this point the manager is following us around with his arms out ready to catch whichever one of my kids falls next.

Her arm's not broken....she'll be fine!

Grace may be her name, but she didn’t get any.  I swear that child is me made over.  She was two doors down playing with a friend.  They decided to have a dance party and thought it would be a good idea to pull the cushions off the couch and jump from cushion to cushion.  Of course Grace slipped, fell and hit her arm.  She came running down complaining that her arm hurt.  We couldn’t really tell if anything was wrong because where she was pointing also had a mosquito bite.  We got some ice and put it on the area to see if that helped.  We were contemplating taking her to the doctor when we looked over and saw her sleeping.  Who are we kidding, you NEVER wake a sleeping child! I decided she was fine, just being dramatic.  The next morning she woke up and was still holding her arm.  My husband and I looked at each other both saying “We need to take her to the doctor.”  We go get x-rays and of course….broken.  Mother of the Year Award once again goes to none other than yours truly.