Who says I can't get out on I-20?!!?

The second day of school we start carpool in the afternoon. We both drop our kids off, but my friend Sharon is picking up. After we leave school, I realize Sharon doesn't have a car seat for Grace. I call her on her cell phone and we decide to meet at her work. We are both on the interstate and traffic comes to a screeching halt. It turns out an 18 wheeler caught on fire and they have to re-route traffic.  Sharon is patiently waiting in the right hand lane to get off the exit. I, on the other hand, come flying by her in the left lane with plans to jump in front of another car close to the exit. (Yes, I am that driver you are cursing and flipping off. You really shouldn't be surprised.) Once I have secured my spot at the front of the line (thank you silver pick up truck for texting and not paying attention), I tell Sharon to come around where she can get in front of me.  She hesitates and finally comes to the dark side. At this point we are sitting on I-20 talking and waiting for traffic to move. Then it occurs to me:

Me: "Sharon, are your doors unlocked?"

Sharon: "Ummmm, no."

Me: "Unlock your doors for me."

Sharon: "What?"

At this point I jump out of the car, get the car seat out of the back and hand it to Sharon who is now standing with her back door open just laughing and shaking her head.  Problem solved, she now has a car seat for Grace.

The answer's still NO!

This weekend the girls and I were driving back from New Orleans and Grace got hungry. I knew this was going to happen so I packed snacks and gave one to her. She decided that it wasn't enough and asked to stop at the gas station to get a snack. I told her no for two reasons 1) Aubrey was still sleeping and I wasn't going to wake her up. 2) Scott had dinner waiting on us when we got home and we were only 20 minutes away. This is the conversation after I told her no.

Grace: "You're a mean mommy!"

Me: "Uh-huh."

Grace: "I want a new mommy! One that's not so mean!"

Me: "That's fine. Start taking applications and see what you get."

Oops!

Grace had yet to roll over, but she was really trying and getting close.  I’m not sure how old she was exactly.  Yes, I know it was only 4 years ago but they do so much in a short period that it’s hard to keep track.  Besides, if you’re reading this you probably don’t remember either.  Anyway, we just sat on the couch when I realized I forgot something in the bathroom.  It was only a couple of steps away and surely she would be safe right there while I quickly ran to the bathroom and back.  I just hit the bathroom when I heard “THUMP!”  The next thing I hear is my husband yell “Melissa, what the hell was that?  That better NOT have been Grace.”  My best friend Katie said it best “At least Scott has the maternal instinct.”  He is by far the more responsible/better parent.  He really didn’t choose wisely.  This was one of those (many) times when it was hard for me not to report myself to DHS.

Grocery shopping is hell on Earth

Incident 1: We get to the produce section of the grocery store. The 1st minute we're in there Grace jumps on the side of the buggy and it falls on top of her. In the middle of her crying she says "That buggy's not nice! It fell on me!" It took everything I had not to crack up.

Since Grace is so upset, I switch the girls around and put her in the seat and Aubrey in the basket.

Incident 2: We're passing the bakery (30 seconds after we calm down from Incident 1) Aubrey stands up to see the cakes, cookies, etc while yelling "Candy! Candy! Candy!" I tell her to sit, while attempting to slowly stop the basket. Of course she loses her balance and flips out of the basket landing flat on her back. While an "Awwwe God Damn it!" flies out of my mouth in front of, no doubt, about 8 Baptists.  The breath was knocked out of her, but she was fine other than scary the be-Jesus out of both us. At this point the manager is following us around with his arms out ready to catch whichever one of my kids falls next.

Her arm's not broken....she'll be fine!

Grace may be her name, but she didn’t get any.  I swear that child is me made over.  She was two doors down playing with a friend.  They decided to have a dance party and thought it would be a good idea to pull the cushions off the couch and jump from cushion to cushion.  Of course Grace slipped, fell and hit her arm.  She came running down complaining that her arm hurt.  We couldn’t really tell if anything was wrong because where she was pointing also had a mosquito bite.  We got some ice and put it on the area to see if that helped.  We were contemplating taking her to the doctor when we looked over and saw her sleeping.  Who are we kidding, you NEVER wake a sleeping child! I decided she was fine, just being dramatic.  The next morning she woke up and was still holding her arm.  My husband and I looked at each other both saying “We need to take her to the doctor.”  We go get x-rays and of course….broken.  Mother of the Year Award once again goes to none other than yours truly.

Who goes to jail?

A friend of mine posted on Facebook that her son's grandmother told him if he didn't put his seatbelt on she would go to jail. His response was "How long will you be gone?"

Obviously, that's a pretty funny response. But it made me think: Am I the only one that tells my kids THEY will go to jail?  Not only did I tell one of my girls this; I got back up.

The day before the girls' birthday party Aubrey, my 2 year old, and I were out running errands. She had just learned how to unbuckle her carseat. This is a new trick and one she liked to do often. After about the 3rd or 4th time of having to pull over or get out at the red light to re-buckle her; I was over her little trick.  We get to the next red light and on the corner is a gas station with 3 policemen filling up their tanks. I decide to pull in and let the police officers have a little chat with my daughter.

I pull up to one of the officers, roll down my window and tell him about Aubrey's new little trick. I also explain that I told her if she keeps doing that and the policeman sees her she will go to jail because that is against the law. Next, I roll down her window and he explains that when you break the law you do in fact go to jail and the law says that she has to have her carseat buckled at all times.

He may have been a little nicer than I was about it, but it got the point across. It scared Aubrey enough that not only has she not unbuckled her seatbelt again; she will tell me if I forgot to do it. (Yes, that has happened on several occassions when we were rushing in the morning and I buckled one but not the other.)

One Smart Cookie

We are with my mother in law and her family.  Everyone is standing around talking when my husband’s uncle walks up with a beer.  And the conversation goes as follows:

Grace: “That’s the kind of beer my daddy drinks.”

Mother in Law: “Can you believe that? A three year old knows what beer is…humph!”

Aubrey: “Daddy drinks beer.  Mommy drinks wine.”

Me (proudly): "And she's not even two yet."

Sinner Circle Park

Winner Circle Park in Flowood, MS is one of our favorite hang outs. The girls and I go their often and most of our play dates are here. This weekend we went Sunday morning after breakfast. As you can imagine in MS the park was pretty much dead. All of the good Baptists were in church unlike my heathen, Episcopalian ass. I'm sure not everyone in MS is Baptist, but I'm guessing around 90%. My mother and I were talking about what a great time it was to go to the park since it only had a few people there. We decided to re-name it Sinner Circle Park as we were not in church like all the good, little Christians. The father pushing his daughter on the swing next to us started chuckling. He thought our new name was good, too. So not only am I skipping church in the Bible Belt. I'm at the park making jokes about it. Damn, I make other parents (who were not at the park and in church) look good!

Hate to tell you this but....

This past weekend we went swimming with my cousin and her kids. My girls are a few years younger than her kids and therefor my kids think her kids rock. Monday evening this is my texting conversation with my cousin:

Cousin: "I hate to tell you this, but Porter has LICE!!! So sorry."

Me: "He probably got them from our nasty kids. I'll check them."

Cousin: "I have no idea where he could have got them. Didn't know if it was from the pool."

Me: "I doubt it. Probably another kid."

Cousin: "Are your kids ok?"

Me: "Yeah, lice only likes clean hair so we're safe."

Couldn't help myself

Last night I stopped at the store to pick up the essentials; beer and milk. I get to the register and this is what happens:

Cashier: "Well, these two sure don't mix."

Me: "The beer is for my kids and the milk is for my husband."

Cashier: (Nervously laughs)

Me: "It helps them sleep better."

I don't know who was trying harder to keep a straight face; me or the guy behind me in line.