If it comes with a warning sign; it's probably FUN!

For those of you who have never been to the Target in Metairie or another two story Target, they have an escalator for shopping carts. This allows you to change levels while keeping everything in the basket. Well, maybe not everything.

 

One day in NOLA, my mom and I went on a Target run with Grace. I was about 7 months pregnant which would make Grace roughly 17 months at the time, so of course she was in the shopping cart seat.  I probably even had it covered which, let's be honest, I don't think ever happened with Aubrey. After we finish with the 1st floor, we head to the second floor. Mom and I are in full conversation and not paying a bit of attention as we get on the escalator with Grace still in the shopping cart...of course. I have no idea who caught it; it may have been mom, me, a screaming Grace or another customer who was actually paying attention. We got her out before she went up the escalator, but it was a close call. Which is probably the reason for the sign. So here we go again, with yours truly as the Mother of the Year.

 

 

 

 



I was bred to be the Mother of the Year

After reading some of my stories, it made me realize I was bred to be the Mother of the Year since I was young. A little background on how it all started; my father was born and raised in Magee, MS in a typical Southern Baptist household. He moved to New Orleans where he met and married my Yankee mother and raised my brother and me there.

One weekend when I was about 3-4 years old, we were at my grandparents house in Magee watching the Saints game. Remember this is circa 1979-80 and the Saints SUCKED! The entire game my father is saying things like "Shoot!", "Come on, Saints!", etc.  He was doing his best not curse and raise all kinds of hell. I guess it was starting to get bad; I took notice and tried to help.

Me: "Dad, do you want me to get you a God damn beer out of the fridge to make you feel better?"

At this point I'm pretty sure my grandmother hit the floor.

Best quote...EVER!

Sunday my neighbor came over to meet my gay husband, Aaron, who was in town for a long weekend. For those of you who know him, you know drinking is always in store. For those of you who don't know him, non-stop drinking is always in store.

We're at the house watching the Saints game (Who Dat!), when Scott asks our daughter to grab him and Mr. Aaron a beer. Grace brought Aaron a beer and Scott a water. All of the adults were a little confused by this. So Scott tells Grace that he wanted a beer not a bottle of water. Grace goes back into the kitchen and returns with a beer this time.

A minute later Aubrey comes into the room and goes over to Scott. She looks at the table where his beer and the bottle of water are sitting; she picks up the bottle of water, looks at Scott with a confused look on her face and asks "What's this?"

Now, do I have well trained children or what? Beat that keg stand baby dad!

Outsmarted by a 4 year old

The other weekend we took the girls to Muscadine Jubilee, a festival in Pelahatchie where my husband grew up. Bands play throughout the day, but they allow local kids to sing while the next band sets up. While one band was setting up a girl about 10 years old was the entertainment. Grace Morgan saw that little girl singing and it took everything she had not to snatch that microphone out of her hand and take over. She said next year that she was going to be up there.

A couple of days later we were driving to school and Grace started telling knock-knock jokes. Let me explain that her jokes aren't really jokes. She just uses it to get whoever's attention to say what she wants.

Grace: "Knock-knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Grace: "Gracie really wants to sing on stage at Muscadine."

Me: "Ok, baby. We'll see what we can do."

Grace: "Knock-knock."

Me: "Who's there?"

Grace: "Gracie really wants to ride a horse."

Me: "What if you could only choose one thing; singing at Muscadine or riding a horse? Which one would it be?"

Grace: "Knock-knock"

Me: "Who's there?

Grace: "Grace really wants to ride a horse on stage while singing at Muscadine!"

Keg Stand Baby

I'm sure most of you have seen this picture/story, if not here you go. I was told about this story from many people the day it hit the news I think for 2 reasons:

     1) They deserve my coveted Parent of the Year Award.
     2) I went to ASU.

The first thing I did was go online to check it out and found a picture that had a close up of the nozzle where it's apparent this baby was not actually drinking. With the father obviously laughing, people looking on smiling and taking pictures this all points to a joke.  Is this funny? I think so. Was it the wrong place and time? Yes. Had this been in the backyard with only family and friends, that understand it was a joke. It would have been more appropriate and we would have never heard about it.

The other thing that was mentioned in several stories was:
    
     "Why did they even bring their kids tailgating? This is inapporiate."

Apparently, none of these people have ever been to The Grove at Ole Miss.

                (Kids playing football at The Grove)


Tailgating is what you make of it, just like Mardi Gras. There are areas that are family friendly without keg stands or women flashing their boobs. Growing up we loved tailgating. All the kids played football with our friends, it was exciting and FUN! Like Mardi Gras, I bring my children every year. We don't go to Bourbon St. We go to St. Charles Ave with a million other families. Where the kids catch beads, stuffed animals, frisbees, and all kinds of other crap they love and I slowly throw out during the year.

      (Families at Mardi Gras. Not a pair of boobs in sight.)

One of the things I say in the About section of my blog is that this is to make you feel better about your parenting skills. The stories I tell are true, on occasion embellished, but usually not. Yes, I drink. Yes, I bring a coffee mug with wine in it to places in the evening that do not serve alcohol because Jackson does not serve alcohol everywhere like most other cities. This is no different than me having a glass of wine with dinner. I do not drive anywhere near the legal limit without my children in the car, so I certainly don't do it with them in the car. Just like I bring my children tailgating and to Mardi Gras. We are their parents. It is our choice. If that does not work for your family or you don't like it; that is fine. If you think my stories are inappropriate, don't read them. I do not pretend to be the perfect parent, because I'm not and no one is.  I know who I am. I am not perfect. I am very aware of my strenghts and weaknesses and own them 200%. I use humor in my parenting style and hopefully my blog and posts make you feel better as a parent because that is it's sole purpose...to entertain.  For those who do find my stories funny, you will probably find this funny, too:

If not, then I believe the Baby Center blog is more your style and I hope you enjoy it.

Wonder Woman Moves for Wine

Friday night we were hanging out at my neighbor's house. This is a win-win for me. Her kids are 10 and 13 while mine are 2 and 4. My girls absolutely adore her 10 year old daughter and she loves to "babysit." So the kids are all taken care of while the grown ups can sit around, talk and drink (told you it was a win-win.)  If this is not the first time you've read my stories, you are well aware that my kids are trained to get beers out of the fridge. They are not allowed to get me wine yet, because they are still too little for that. Right now we're mastering pouring milk without spilling, so we're only on step 2. Wine is down the road a bit.

While we're sitting there drinking her 13 year old son comes through the living room, heading towards the kitchen and I ask him to pour me another glass of wine. She leaps off the couch, grabs my glass, and says "That's ok, I'll get it." Her moves were quite impressive. If she had a cape and a crown, she could have beat Wonder Woman's ass; wrist bands or no wrist bands. At this point I am in a total state of confusion. She comes back with my wine and sits down. I am looking at her like she's from Mars. And here we go:

Me: "What was that all about?"

Her: "What?"

Me: "Your Wonder Woman moves."

Her: "Wonder Woman moves?"

Me: "When I asked him to get me a glass of wine."

Her: "I've never asked my kids to get me a beer or pour me a glass of wine."

Me (look of TOTAL astonishment): "Seriously?!!?"

Her: "Mmm-hmm."

Me: "Isn't that why you had kids?"

Obviously, that is not the only reason you have kids, but it's definitely a perk. I just couldn't get over the fact that at 10 and 13 they have never gotten a beer or poured a glass of wine.  I think my grandfather taught me the art of pouring beer from a keg at age 4 or 5. All I know is her kids will need to do some serious training before they go off to college.

Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's manipulation

I am convinced that girls are born manipulaters and master these skills throughout their life. Now let's understand I'm not saying they do this to be mean or hurtful (well, most of them anyway.) They do this to get what they want, when they want it.

Right now we are in the process of potty training Aubrey. Yesterday was the first day we took her out only in her panties. We went potty before we left the house. Then we went to my husband's bank to meet him. I asked if she had to go again, she said no. We left and went to eat. I took her to the potty right after we ordered. We ate lunch and I took her again before we left. (Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in the potty yesterday.) Then we went to run 2 errands before going back to get my car at the bank. We get to the bank and I ask her if she needs to go potty. She says no. So we say good-bye to my husband in the parking lot and I start to load Aubrey up in my car. At this point she says "Mommy, I need go potty." I am so excited because this is the first time she has said it without me asking her. I get her out of the car and we walk into the bank. I go left to the bathroom and she goes right. I call her and tell her the potty is this way. She is not paying any attention to me. She is making a bee line to the jar of lollipops. She grabs 2 lollipops; 1 for her and 1 for Grace (yeah, right!)

Aubrey with lollipops in tow, we head to the bathroom. I get her in there and she says "Mommy, I not go potty. I just open this."

And the score at the end of the day is:

     Mommy

 

 

 

Aubrey

 

 

                                          

 

Road Rage at 2 yrs. old

I'm pretty sure Aubrey is going to grow up to be a NYC taxi cab driver. At only 2 she has to be the most impatient backseat/carseat driver ever. If we are stopped at a red light she'll say "Gooooo, Mama!"  I explained to her that I can't go because the light is red and I have to wait for it to turn green. Now as soon as the light turns green she'll yell "Mama, it's green! Go! Go! Goooooo!" She gets this out of her mouth faster than a NYC taxi cab driver can blow his horn. It's absolutely amazing!

Her new pet peave is being stuck behind a car that is going slow. She sits up in her car seat, looking around the front seat to see what's holding us up.  When she figures out it's a car in front of us she'll yell "Come on, buddy! Get out of the way!" or "Let's go people!"  When we finally get moving she'll sigh "Well, it's about time!"  I guess I should be glad she hasn't started cursing them yet.

Busted by a 4 year old

Friday night we have a 5 year old birthday party at one of my kids' favorite places; Pump It Up. It's Friday night at 6pm, so there's no way in the world I'm not bringing a cocktail. I pour my wine in my coffee mug, load up the girls and head to Pump It Up. Of course the parents that know me realize pretty quickly what's in my mug (especially since I don't drink coffee). A few of them sneak a couple of sips and I'm sure will have a coffee mug in tow next time they have a Friday night birthday party. Since I don't know all of the parents there I'm trying to keep my wine mug quiet. I would hate to have these parents rush their child out of the birthday party because of the NOLA Whiskeypalian and her wine/coffee mug.

We finish the jumping part of the party and we have now all moved into the room for pizza, cake and presents. Everyone eats and the present opening begins. The kids are all in front watching the birthday girl open presnets and the parents are in the back chatting. A little while into the present opening, my 4 year old comes over and tries to take a sip out of my mug.

Me (grabbing the mug): "You can't have that."

Grace: "Why not?"

Me: "Because it's not for you. It's only for Mommy."

Grace (matter of factly): "That must be wine."
Then goes and sits her little butt back down.

Fabulous! Now all of the mom's in the room who don't know me are making a mental note to never accept a play date with either of my girls. Once again, Mother of the Year keeps her title.


Sidenote: If you haven't been to Pump It Up for a birthday party; they do an UNBELIEVABLE job! During the jump time the guys played with all of the kids. They helped the little ones up the slides. One time I had to help my 2 year old and he came running over apologizing for not being there. All of the plates with pizza, napkins and drinks were set up for the kids as they came in the party room. The girl took total control of the presents (even keeping the kids sitting down) and wrote down who each gift was from. This is a stress free party for any parent which was especially helpful for this parent since she's 10 days away from having baby #2.

           This is their two story slide...so much fun!

Wine and McDonald's

Last week the "Land Mass" between Mobile and New Olreans otherwise known as Mississippi was hunkered down awaiting Hurricane Isaac. I picked up my grandparents, Matt (87) and Clare (95), and brought them to Jackson to ride out the storm. (Yes, the ages are correct. Clare was a cougar before it was cool.) All last week I was stuck at the house with my grandparents, my 2.5 yr old and 4 yr old. Seriously, there's not enough alcohol in the state to make that work.  Not to mention if you think I talk a lot, spend some time with Matt. He makes me sound like a wallflower who's too shy to say anything.

Four days inside the house because all it did was rain, was making everyone stir crazy. On day four, I get a call from one of Grace's besties mom's.

Kim: "We're around the corner at McDonald's indoor playground. We couldn't take it anymore and had to get out of the house. Y'all come over and meet us."

Me: "Girl, I've already popped a top. I'm not going anywhere that doesn't serve alcohol."

Kim: "Put it in a red solo cup and come on."

Me: "We'll see."

At this point the girls get into their 2,548th fight of the day and I decide we're out of here. I open the cabinet find a travel coffee mug and pour the wine to it.  I tell the girls to load up and we head out.

I pull into McDonald's, get the girls out of the car and grab my mug. I look over and Kim and her husband, Bo, are doubled over laughing. We walk inside and they are ASTONISHED that I brought my wine to McDonald's. 

Look, a girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do. So a big thank you to Brandon (and Vince) at Silver Leaf for keeping my wine stocked so I didn't end up in Whitfield (mental institution) or Parchman (prison) last week.