Ice Cream for Breakfast

If you live in Jackson, MS and have Comcast, you are well aware that last Saturday everyone lost their cable until Monday. My husband throws in the towel and goes to bed. I get on Facebook and end up talking to a few friends that I haven't talked to in years, so it worked out well...UNTIL my brother gets on Facebook. We IM a few times and then decide to Skype. This is where it all goes downhill. After I few hours and who knows how many glasses of wine, I start nodding off and call it a night. 

The next morning I am hungover as hell. Scott and Grace wake up early so they head out. I try to convince him to wake up Aubrey and take her, but no dice. 

Hate when that damn "don't ever wake a sleeping child" rule comes back and bites me on the ass. 

A little while later Aubrey is up and wants breakfast. I convince her to get in bed with me and watch cartoons. This lasts about 15 minutes before she decides she's hungry. I told her to go get a granola bar out of the cabinet. Aubrey has different ideas about breakfast. She walks back in the room with an ice cream cone, knowing that's against the rules. 

Me: "You know you can't have ice cream for breakfast. Put that up and get a granola bar." 

Aubrey: "I can't reach it. You get it, Mommy."

For those of you who don't know Aubrey, let me explain that Mickey Mouse shooting fireworks out of his ass while sliding down a monster slide into a swimming pool, would not deter that child from food.

At this point, Aubrey and I both know she's won. Well played, kiddo. Well played.

That morning, ladies and gentlemen, my Mother of the Year Award crown was placed on my hung over head by a pair of sticky ice cream fingers and was given an empty bottle(s) of wine for my septor.

School Program

Grace is finishing up K4 at a "Christian" school, however in Mississippi "Christian" = Baptist. My husband is out of town, so I go to the school program, Noah's Ark, with my mother in law.  As expected they do a little musical with all kinds of praising Jesus. Not only is my Episcopalian butt afraid of catching on fire, I'm also completely unprepared.

The night before I look all over the house trying to find our flip video camera. I can't find the damn thing anywhere, so I text my husband. He hasn't seen it either. Finally, walking out the door the next morning I remember where I put it. I grab the camera and a new pack of batteries.  I get to school find some seats and put the batteries in the camera.  The brand new batteries were bad and the video camera lasted about 2 minutes of the 25 minute program. I had my phone fully charged so we went to that as a back up plan.

After the program, they served refreshments of kool-aid, juice, muffins and donuts. As I approach the table a lady asks if I would like a Kool-aid. I politely decline, but what I would really like to say is: "No thank you, I'll just stick to my wine" and give a little wink.

After the refreshment part, we go back to the classroom where we get to see what the kids have been learning all year. Of course, they start with a few bible verses. We are informed that our children have learned 24 bible verses this year. I look at my mother in law and say: "Well, that means Grace knows 24 more bible verses than I do." As the kids are reciting the bible verses I watch all of the good Baptist moms mouth the bible verses along with their kids and nod approvingly. I on the other hand am searching for the fire exit so I can plan my escape route when I burst into flames.

The second part of the classroom presentation are a few of the songs they learned (all biblical, of course). Then they move on to reading and grammar rules. Ok, now I'm on board. As they are reciting their grammar rules, I notice I'm the only mother mouthing along with my child and nodding their approval. Seriously...you can remember all 24 bible verses, but can't remember a couple of grammar rules?!!?

After this event, I have no doubt my daughters will probably end up getting kicked out of school because of their mother. Cheers!

Liquor store run

I was talking to my husband about making a wine run and Grace got excited to come with me.

Me: "Why don't you stay home with daddy?"

Grace: "No, I want to see if they moved the water."

Scott: "Moved the water?"

Me: "They have a waterfall feature in the store and since they've been remodeling it has moved around a few times."

Scott: "She might be a little too familiar with the liquor store."

I just shrug.

In the end, Grace winds up going with me to the liquor store.  When we get there we see that they have decorated for Mardi Gras and Valentine's Day. They hung flags from the ceiling for both holidays. Grace goes over to see if she can jump up and touch them. In a mintute Grace comes running back over.

Grace: "Mommy, Mommy look who's here!"

Me: "Who, baby?"

Grace (jumping up and down): "It's Mr. Brandon! It's Mr. Brandon!"

Mr. Brandon is the liquor store manager and yes, Grace knows him by name. At this point it is time to throw in the towel and concede to my husband's earlier point. 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen my reign as Mother of the Year is still secure.

Blow up dolls as rafts?!??

Yes, I posted a picture on my Facebook page with a blow up doll in the pool floating around kids swimming.

 

 

 

This probably isn't appropriate, but we may have broken that little rule last year at Mardi Gras.  My friend, Dana, comes in every year for Mardi Gras from Oregon. Last year, she wasn't able to come in due to work. We didn't want her to miss it, but she couldn't be there either. Obviously, we needed an alternative. Introducing...

 

                      

                                         Blow up doll, Dana!

 

We took her with us all weekend, uploaded the pictures to Facebook and tagged her so she could see herself enjoying all of the festivities. She would even text us with requests of the things she would like to do while at Mardi Gras.

 

She became as big a part of the family as the real Dana. We realized this when the girls would remind us not to forget Ms. Dana when we loaded up in the car to head out for the parades. 

 

So, I may make fun of people allowing their children to use a blow up doll as a raft, but I happily carried my blow up doll, Dana, around with my family for a whole weekend. Which in turn, makes me Mother of the Year yet again.

 

 



Parents-To-Be Make Me Laugh

The other day Grace and I were in Target to get a birthday present for one of her friends. As we're in line to check out, the pregnant couple in front of us start talking to Grace. They ask her all of the usual questions, tell me she's beautiful, etc., etc.  All the things naive parents-to-be talk about to other parents.

The lady in front of us checking out has her grandson in the front of the shopping cart, who's obviously teething. He's happy as a clam knawing on the metal handle. The pregnant wife is smiling in that way you know she's judging.

 

The lady finishes checking out and pushes the cart with her grandson out the store. As soon as the lady is out of earshot, the wife turns to the husband and says:

"Our child will never be in a shopping cart without a cover and most certainly will not chew on the handle! I bet she didn't even disinfect it!"

She looks over at me for confirmation and I just knowingly nod.

My knowing nod translates into: "Lady, you just wait. You'll be so tired after this baby you'll just hope you remembered to brush your teeth and put on deoderant before you walked out the door."

At this point I will happily induct her into the wonderful world of my Mother of the Year Award.

Drunk Santa

Holy crap, is Santa a hard job?!!? Christmas Eve we go to church then have friends and family over for dinner and drinks. Finally, we get the kids calmed down enough to go to bed. After we are sure that they are fast asleep, it's time to pull out the Santa toys from all of their hiding places and get to work.  There's only one problem; none of the Santa's at this house were drinking milk.

At this point we're scrambling for tape and gift tags. I finally decide that gift tags are a waste of time since they won't read them anyway. The new idea is to write the first letter of their name on their gifts and put them in different piles; which actually worked out well. I finally find the tape and off we go.  This pretty much looked like our presents minus the bows and gift tags.

 

The next morning I wake up around 6am with a massive hangover. This is when I go into panic mode. "Oh, shit! Did we get all the presents?!!?" I get out of bed and start checking all of the hiding places. I was sure there were some we missed. After checking a couple of times I was satisfied we didn't miss anything. I went back to bed and waited for the girls to wake up.

The girls finally get up and we go into the living room to start opening presents. I get the video camera out and set it on the shelf so we have a steady memory of Christmas morning. One of the girls' biggest presents was a new kitchen. Aubrey is all excited opening the doors and cabinets to see what's in the kitchen. All of sudden we hear her squeel with delight: "Santa left me a screwdriver!"

Apparently Santa, in his drunken state, forgot to put up the screwdriver after putting all of the cabinets and doors on the kitchen. This is why, yet again, I get to keep my title as Mother of the Year.



Spank the Elf

I'm sure most of you know that it's that time of year again for the Elf on the Shelf. This is wonderful for the kids because they get really excited and it makes them behave.  However, it does have its down side.

 

 

Grace goes to school excited that Chippy is back and can't wait to tell all of her friends.  When she gets there she hears all of the other kids talk about the naughty things their elves have been doing while they sleep. 

 

One elf rolled the Christmass tree in toilet paper.

 

 

 

Another elf had a marshmallow fight with other toys.

One elf even made snow angels on the counter with flour.

 

 

After hearing about all of the antics of these other elves, this is what she wants to know:

 

Grace: "Mommy, why doesn't Chippy do the things all of my friends' elves are doing?"

 

Me: "Baby, Chippy didn't do any of those naughty things in the movie. Why would he do them at our house?"

 

Grace (after a bit of thought): "Yeah, but why does he do it at their house and not at ours?"

 

Me: "I think Chippy knows that if he did those things at our house he would get a spanking and he knows we don't act that way."

 

 Grace: "Mmmmm, ok."

 

The next day Grace goes to school and the elves are once again a subject of conversation. After the other kids tell everyone what their elves did, my daughter pipes in with:

 

"Your elf should know better than to do all of those naughty things...he needs a spanking!"

 

Fabulous! Now my child has gone back to school and told all of her friends that the Mother of the Year said their elves need spankings.  So to that I say,

 

"Damn you, all of you Pinterest moms, damn you!"

At least I didn't blow up the church

As some of you may know, my husband's uncle passed away last week. So this weekend, his aunt wanted the family to go to their church. This is a little country, Baptist church with about 30 people in the congregation.  We walk in the door, Grace walks straight up to the first row and sits down. Apparently, she didn't get the memo that we're Episcopalian:
1. We sit in the back.
2. We lay low in the Baptist church, because they frown upon our ways.
3. Tread cautiously as our Whiskopalian butts may just blow up the church when we walk through the front door.

During the singing part of the service, Grace walks her little butt up to the front. After the song is over, she asks the preacher if she can sing a song. At this point, I'm pretty sure an "Oh, shit" slipped out of my mouth. Now I'm looking down silently chanting "Please don't sing Red Solo Cup. Please don't sing Red Solo Cup. They will burn me at the stake if my 4 year old gets up there and sings Red Solo Cup."

Luckily, she sang a song she learned at school. This is one of the few times I am thankful that her school is overly religious.

When a hunter has daughters

This weekend Scott had some things to get done on his deer stands before hunting season starts. We went out to the country, hopped on the four wheelers and headed to the woods. We're riding around putting out corn, checking for signs of deer, etc. As we're driving Aubrey starts talking about hunting.

 

Aubrey: "Daddy, I'm going to hunt this year and I need a gun like you."

Scott: "You are? You want to go deer hunting with me this year?"

Aubrey: "No, I don't want to hunt deer."

Scott: "Well, then what do you want to hunt? Turkey? Duck?"

Aubrey: "No, I want to hunt alligators, sharks and snakes."

Scott: "Really? Is that all?"

Aubrey: "Mmmm. Maybe some lions and tigers, too."

At this point Scott is getting pretty excited that his daughter wants to take on these big, bad animals. I think his chest was puffed out a little bit more than usual.

Our next stop was Scott's new deer stand where he needed to install the windows.  We pull up to his new deer stand and Grace says:

"Daddy, your new deer stand is sooooo pretty. I love the way you decorated it."

Well, at least there's hope for one of them.

Screw Hunger Games, We Have Pooping Games

As any mother knows, there is no such thing as private time. I rarely get a chance to go to the bathroom by myself.  And let's be honest, I'm usually doing it with a child on my lap.

Well last week I was home with Aubrey and I had to go to the bathroom. Aubrey decided she wanted to play a game while I was going to the bathroom. She would open the door and roar and I would shriek like I was scared. Aubrey would then close the door and the game would start over.  She thought this was hysterical and this went on for the duration.

Once I was done, I decided to play a trick on Aubrey. When she closed the door, I got up and hid behind the door. Aubrey opens the door and:

Aubrey: "Rooaaarrrr!......Mommy? Mommy!"

She runs over to the potty and looks in.

Aubrey: "Mommy, did you fall in? Are you in there, Mommy?"

Me: "Boo!!!"

Aubrey: "Mommy, you scared me. I thought you fell in the potty."