Spank the Elf

I'm sure most of you know that it's that time of year again for the Elf on the Shelf. This is wonderful for the kids because they get really excited and it makes them behave.  However, it does have its down side.

 

 

Grace goes to school excited that Chippy is back and can't wait to tell all of her friends.  When she gets there she hears all of the other kids talk about the naughty things their elves have been doing while they sleep. 

 

One elf rolled the Christmass tree in toilet paper.

 

 

 

Another elf had a marshmallow fight with other toys.

One elf even made snow angels on the counter with flour.

 

 

After hearing about all of the antics of these other elves, this is what she wants to know:

 

Grace: "Mommy, why doesn't Chippy do the things all of my friends' elves are doing?"

 

Me: "Baby, Chippy didn't do any of those naughty things in the movie. Why would he do them at our house?"

 

Grace (after a bit of thought): "Yeah, but why does he do it at their house and not at ours?"

 

Me: "I think Chippy knows that if he did those things at our house he would get a spanking and he knows we don't act that way."

 

 Grace: "Mmmmm, ok."

 

The next day Grace goes to school and the elves are once again a subject of conversation. After the other kids tell everyone what their elves did, my daughter pipes in with:

 

"Your elf should know better than to do all of those naughty things...he needs a spanking!"

 

Fabulous! Now my child has gone back to school and told all of her friends that the Mother of the Year said their elves need spankings.  So to that I say,

 

"Damn you, all of you Pinterest moms, damn you!"

At least I didn't blow up the church

As some of you may know, my husband's uncle passed away last week. So this weekend, his aunt wanted the family to go to their church. This is a little country, Baptist church with about 30 people in the congregation.  We walk in the door, Grace walks straight up to the first row and sits down. Apparently, she didn't get the memo that we're Episcopalian:
1. We sit in the back.
2. We lay low in the Baptist church, because they frown upon our ways.
3. Tread cautiously as our Whiskopalian butts may just blow up the church when we walk through the front door.

During the singing part of the service, Grace walks her little butt up to the front. After the song is over, she asks the preacher if she can sing a song. At this point, I'm pretty sure an "Oh, shit" slipped out of my mouth. Now I'm looking down silently chanting "Please don't sing Red Solo Cup. Please don't sing Red Solo Cup. They will burn me at the stake if my 4 year old gets up there and sings Red Solo Cup."

Luckily, she sang a song she learned at school. This is one of the few times I am thankful that her school is overly religious.

When a hunter has daughters

This weekend Scott had some things to get done on his deer stands before hunting season starts. We went out to the country, hopped on the four wheelers and headed to the woods. We're riding around putting out corn, checking for signs of deer, etc. As we're driving Aubrey starts talking about hunting.

 

Aubrey: "Daddy, I'm going to hunt this year and I need a gun like you."

Scott: "You are? You want to go deer hunting with me this year?"

Aubrey: "No, I don't want to hunt deer."

Scott: "Well, then what do you want to hunt? Turkey? Duck?"

Aubrey: "No, I want to hunt alligators, sharks and snakes."

Scott: "Really? Is that all?"

Aubrey: "Mmmm. Maybe some lions and tigers, too."

At this point Scott is getting pretty excited that his daughter wants to take on these big, bad animals. I think his chest was puffed out a little bit more than usual.

Our next stop was Scott's new deer stand where he needed to install the windows.  We pull up to his new deer stand and Grace says:

"Daddy, your new deer stand is sooooo pretty. I love the way you decorated it."

Well, at least there's hope for one of them.

Screw Hunger Games, We Have Pooping Games

As any mother knows, there is no such thing as private time. I rarely get a chance to go to the bathroom by myself.  And let's be honest, I'm usually doing it with a child on my lap.

Well last week I was home with Aubrey and I had to go to the bathroom. Aubrey decided she wanted to play a game while I was going to the bathroom. She would open the door and roar and I would shriek like I was scared. Aubrey would then close the door and the game would start over.  She thought this was hysterical and this went on for the duration.

Once I was done, I decided to play a trick on Aubrey. When she closed the door, I got up and hid behind the door. Aubrey opens the door and:

Aubrey: "Rooaaarrrr!......Mommy? Mommy!"

She runs over to the potty and looks in.

Aubrey: "Mommy, did you fall in? Are you in there, Mommy?"

Me: "Boo!!!"

Aubrey: "Mommy, you scared me. I thought you fell in the potty."

I'll just report myself to DHS

Well, it turns out history does repeat itself. When I was little, I was BAD! Imagine that, right? Anyway, one day I was in the grocery store with my mom, being a brat, and she had enough. She spanked me in the store and two little old ladies "Tsk, tsk" my mom for spanking my sweet, adorable, very much needed, ass.  Fast forward 33 years and now I'm the mom.

Last night I pick the girls up from school and took them with me to the grocery store, as usual. Grace started giving me a hard time in the car over a skunk. Yes, a skunk. I had no idea what to call the stuff they sprayed and/or who they spray when threatened. I told her to ask Daddy when we got home and the rest of the way all I heard was I didn't know anything and Daddy knows everything. Even though that got old, I couldn't really argue when it's over a skunk.

In the grocery store, Grace kept this up. She would ask me something I would give her an answer. Then she would tell me I was mistaken and that she was going to ask Daddy when we got home because he would know.

Finally, we're on the last aisle and Grace asks for something. I told her no, she gets out of the car buggy and spanks me on the butt. That was it, I had enough. I caught her by the arm, put my knee up, put her over my knee and spanked her little bottom. Told her to get back in the car and not to say another word.

Then Aubrey chimes in. "Mommy, don't do that to Grace. You scared me."

Before I can even answer the lady behind me pipes in with "Well, that scared me, too. It's not nice to give spankings."

There were a million things flying around my head to say to that lady. The only thing I could come up with that I figured would shut her up and make her butt out was:

"Here, I am happy to let you use my phone if you would like to report me to DHS."

And I got the reaction I was looking for:

     1) from the lady-Total State of Shock

     2) from Grace- not another problem from her for the rest of the night.

Stranded at Peter Pan

This weekend we went to NOLA to visit the family. Saturday evening my cousin's 7 year old was a lost boy in Peter Pan. Grace really wanted to go, but Mommy was too tired from staying out late the night before (Mother of the Year). My cousin said that she could go with them and she would bring Grace home after the play. Perfect!

They get home from the play and we hear all about Kora's make-up, Capt. Hook, the crocodile, etc. To say the least, I had one very excited 4 year old. She runs in the other room to play and then we hear the REAL story from my cousin.

1.  Grace knew that Capt. Hook and the crocodile were real. She didn't like them one bit.

2. Wendy's make-up was beautiful, but Kora's was ugly. It was just dirt.

3. Grace wanted to know why she couldn't get on stage and fly like Peter Pan and Wendy.

4. As soon as Kora came on stage, Grace (while standing and waving her arms like she's flagging down a rescue plane):

"Kora! KORA! KOORRRAAAA!!!!  It's Grace, your cousin! I'm right here, KORA!"

 

Safe to say, my child successfully managed to upstage the entire cast of Peter Pan.

 

 

Follow up to the Target escalator incident

The other day a friend of mine, whose parenting style is right up there with mine posts this on FB:

Taking a poll for anyone who has ever been to Target on Vets: Yes or No, is it ok leave ur child in the basket while it goes up that thing and you are on the escalator?

 

As you can imagine there were a ton of no's and there's even a sign that tells you that, etc. However, there were a few that shares our sense of humor and those comments were:

 

1. As long as they are buckled.

 

 

2. I tried to send him up, but my wife flipped out.

 

3. We need to set that up on the tv show What Would You Do?

 

4. Hell yes! It's a free amusement ride!

 



If it comes with a warning sign; it's probably FUN!

For those of you who have never been to the Target in Metairie or another two story Target, they have an escalator for shopping carts. This allows you to change levels while keeping everything in the basket. Well, maybe not everything.

 

One day in NOLA, my mom and I went on a Target run with Grace. I was about 7 months pregnant which would make Grace roughly 17 months at the time, so of course she was in the shopping cart seat.  I probably even had it covered which, let's be honest, I don't think ever happened with Aubrey. After we finish with the 1st floor, we head to the second floor. Mom and I are in full conversation and not paying a bit of attention as we get on the escalator with Grace still in the shopping cart...of course. I have no idea who caught it; it may have been mom, me, a screaming Grace or another customer who was actually paying attention. We got her out before she went up the escalator, but it was a close call. Which is probably the reason for the sign. So here we go again, with yours truly as the Mother of the Year.

 

 

 

 



I was bred to be the Mother of the Year

After reading some of my stories, it made me realize I was bred to be the Mother of the Year since I was young. A little background on how it all started; my father was born and raised in Magee, MS in a typical Southern Baptist household. He moved to New Orleans where he met and married my Yankee mother and raised my brother and me there.

One weekend when I was about 3-4 years old, we were at my grandparents house in Magee watching the Saints game. Remember this is circa 1979-80 and the Saints SUCKED! The entire game my father is saying things like "Shoot!", "Come on, Saints!", etc.  He was doing his best not curse and raise all kinds of hell. I guess it was starting to get bad; I took notice and tried to help.

Me: "Dad, do you want me to get you a God damn beer out of the fridge to make you feel better?"

At this point I'm pretty sure my grandmother hit the floor.

Best quote...EVER!

Sunday my neighbor came over to meet my gay husband, Aaron, who was in town for a long weekend. For those of you who know him, you know drinking is always in store. For those of you who don't know him, non-stop drinking is always in store.

We're at the house watching the Saints game (Who Dat!), when Scott asks our daughter to grab him and Mr. Aaron a beer. Grace brought Aaron a beer and Scott a water. All of the adults were a little confused by this. So Scott tells Grace that he wanted a beer not a bottle of water. Grace goes back into the kitchen and returns with a beer this time.

A minute later Aubrey comes into the room and goes over to Scott. She looks at the table where his beer and the bottle of water are sitting; she picks up the bottle of water, looks at Scott with a confused look on her face and asks "What's this?"

Now, do I have well trained children or what? Beat that keg stand baby dad!